@wolfpupy

if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance

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@timdonakowski

Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.

@OctopusCaveman

My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.

@sonictyrant

[my first police chase]

me: *into walkie talkie* I’m trailing the perp on foot, Chads Gym on Broadway

suspect: *looks over shoulder* only one person per treadmill

me: *into walkie talkie* sorry Keith i lost him

@DwellerLake

I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.

@BlackCatBettie

“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.

@sofarrsogud

ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?

WIFE: Cooler

ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?

@Nickadoo

Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.

@ThirtyYearOld

Se7en is a great movie even if you haven’t seen o1e, 2wo, thr3e, 4our, 5ive or 6ix.