if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
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I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
I’d use my best pan on you.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*