if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
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Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”