If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
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Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.