If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.

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I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it


If zombies attack I’m heading south, most of those people don’t have teeth.


There was no bonus fry at the bottom of the bag. But the story has a happy ending. I found it later in my sports bra.


I asked my kids today if they felt we spent enough time together and they both texted back that we did so I guess we are all good.


[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands


Me: *applies temporary tattoos*

Mom: Unicorn tats?

Me: I’m in a gang.

Mom: Ha! With who, Lisa Frank?

Me: You just made a powerful enemy.


I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.


Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.


date: this is so romantic

me: just the two of us

date: and the stars

me: and the moon

the moon: *winks at my date*

me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-