My Internet was out for a while so I went downstairs to talk to my mom. She seems nice.
If your parents say, “You can be whatever you want to be when you grow up”, remind them that they’ll have to die for you to be Batman.
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People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
I laughed way too hard at this 😂
I’ll be honest, the only time I’d ever want to be ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’ would be if I was chasing them
With an axe.
-“I was the girl that hated you back in high school.”
-“I’m sorry, can you be more specific?”
Look, if you can take a smoke break, I should be able to take a twitter break.
It’s not like one addiction outweighs the other, HR!
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.