If your parents say, “You can be whatever you want to be when you grow up”, remind them that they’ll have to die for you to be Batman.

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My Internet was out for a while so I went downstairs to talk to my mom. She seems nice.


People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..

Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..


I’ll be honest, the only time I’d ever want to be ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’ would be if I was chasing them

With an axe.


-“I was the girl that hated you back in high school.”
-“I’m sorry, can you be more specific?”


Look, if you can take a smoke break, I should be able to take a twitter break.

It’s not like one addiction outweighs the other, HR!


Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess


me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that


True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.


Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.