I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
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*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
oppen heimer style lol
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.