If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
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The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.