Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
If your partner makes you sleep closest to the door, you are either the protector or bait for the zombies.
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The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Me: *blankets pulled up to my neck* Hey baby
Wife: Oh my God. Are you naked under there?
Bed Bath and Beyond Employee: Can I help you folks find anything?
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tv
Husband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a mile away. Seems a bit far fetched to me.