If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
You Might Also Like
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are