@craiguito

If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam

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@joeljeffrey

I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.

@ClichedOut

pirahna: my tooth is killing me

dentist:

pirahna: way in the back

dentist: how are u even out of water

@Sassafrantz

Ghosts never write encouraging stuff on my mirror. It’s always “KILL” or “MURDER” or “YOU’RE OUT OF NUTELLA”

@bourgeoisalien

When man made the first stone tool 2.6 million years ago, I don’t think they could have ever imagined a tool as great as Donald Trump.

@IncrediblyRich

Mufasa means King. So their parents literally named their sons King and Garbage. No wonder Scar wanted everyone dead.

@fatherofcomedy

I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.

@AndyRichter

If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?

@Smug_Lemur

Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.

@SentenceReduced

Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.

@wildethingy

Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.