If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
You Might Also Like
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
me refusing to leave twitter
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!