If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
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Moms. The original autocorrect.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Your secret is safeish with me
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr