If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
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Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Not today.. 😂
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.