If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.

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My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.


(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang


My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind

Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you


I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.


I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters


Barney: I love you, you love me

Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing


Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.