@shariv67

If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.

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@bazecraze

My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.

@bobvulfov

(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang

@Average_Dad1

My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind

Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you

@kelkulus

I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.

@Cpin42

I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters

@steeve_again

Barney: I love you, you love me

Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing

@WetzelGeek

Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.