@shariv67

If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.

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@tlhicks713

To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:

Do you want something from the gas station?

@UncleDuke1969

Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?

@Cyberbunbun

who👏replaced👏my👏space👏bar👏with👏a👏clapping👏emoji👏I👏need👏to👏finish👏my👏papers👏tonight👏please👏help👏me

@slimmy_shady

SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.

@lawyerthoughts

defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!

@iamspacegirl

FISHING TRIP

Joseph *casting his line*:
Son, your mother thinks it’s time I tell you-
You’re agodpted.

Jesus *runs across the lake crying*

@Shade510

Shank you.

– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery

@MarfSalvador

[swimming pool]

me: do you have family changing facilities?

clerk: yes we do

me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife