*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
You Might Also Like
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.