if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened

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hello vegans, if PIGS are so SMART why do 66% of them build houses with INEFFECTIVE, STUPID materials


I killed my twin because she wouldn’t admit that she was the evil one.


Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.


My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.


All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…


The average human body contains enough human bones to make up an entire human skeleton.


me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: you’re not even a suspect

me: I just wanted u to know


My son loves lizard facts but he can’t quite say ‘lizard’ so he randomly makes statements like “Wizards protect themselves with camouflage”.


Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?