@seamussaid

if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened

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@braag_

hello vegans, if PIGS are so SMART why do 66% of them build houses with INEFFECTIVE, STUPID materials

@Kali_Mura

I killed my twin because she wouldn’t admit that she was the evil one.

@LuckoftheDraw86

Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.

@LosLos__

My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…

@TheProvenFacts

The average human body contains enough human bones to make up an entire human skeleton.

@clichedout

me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: you’re not even a suspect

me: I just wanted u to know

@iamspacegirl

My son loves lizard facts but he can’t quite say ‘lizard’ so he randomly makes statements like “Wizards protect themselves with camouflage”.

@Adyaces

Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?