12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
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Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
can you read it!!??
maan!
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you