@markleggett

If your rice accidentally gets wet, you can dry it out overnight by placing it in a bowl of cellphones.

You Might Also Like

@TheToddWilliams

ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock

WIFE: A WHAT?

ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous

DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*

@LittleMissAngr1

Them: I’m so sorry!

Me: *checking that their concrete boots have set* It’s all water under the bridge.

@MartaEffing

Yes, you take my breath away… But so does a brisk walk, or the sight of an ugly baby. Don’t be so flattered.

@NoticablyBacon

Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex

@rowdyforsheriff

[Taps cigarette]

Look son, if a girl invites you over for coffee, first make sure she has coffee. You don’t want to get over there and there’s no coffee

@iamspacegirl

what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise

@PleaseBeGneiss

Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?

God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple

Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no

God: …where’s Adam?

@dwaghalter

Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.

@Playing_Dad

Me: Not to be racist but you look like you’re sick
Her: How was that racist?
Me: I said “not to be racist” you must be sicker than I thought