ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
If your rice accidentally gets wet, you can dry it out overnight by placing it in a bowl of cellphones.
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Them: I’m so sorry!
Me: *checking that their concrete boots have set* It’s all water under the bridge.
Yes, you take my breath away… But so does a brisk walk, or the sight of an ugly baby. Don’t be so flattered.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Look son, if a girl invites you over for coffee, first make sure she has coffee. You don’t want to get over there and there’s no coffee
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Me: Not to be racist but you look like you’re sick
Her: How was that racist?
Me: I said “not to be racist” you must be sicker than I thought