If your rice accidentally gets wet, you can dry it out overnight by placing it in a bowl of cellphones.

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ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock


ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous

DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*


Them: I’m so sorry!

Me: *checking that their concrete boots have set* It’s all water under the bridge.


Yes, you take my breath away… But so does a brisk walk, or the sight of an ugly baby. Don’t be so flattered.


Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex


[Taps cigarette]

Look son, if a girl invites you over for coffee, first make sure she has coffee. You don’t want to get over there and there’s no coffee


what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise


Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?

God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple

Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no

God: …where’s Adam?


Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.


Me: Not to be racist but you look like you’re sick
Her: How was that racist?
Me: I said “not to be racist” you must be sicker than I thought