If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
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“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
There’s never enough good news
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.