Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
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me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
They say milk is good for your teeth. You know what else is good for your teeth? Minding your own damn business.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Not sure why this lady looked so shocked when I whispered, “LIAR!” into her ear after I watched her type “lol”.
She did NOT lol.
Sharks aren’t the bad guys. If some stranger entered my house in just a Speedo, I would probably attack him too.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.