@Darlainky

If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.

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@stevezorz

Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.

@GrantTanaka

me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT

@Scdavis24

They say milk is good for your teeth. You know what else is good for your teeth? Minding your own damn business.

@T_Bonezzz_

“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”

*Buys everyone snacks

@sip_at_home_mom

Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.

@jergarl

Not sure why this lady looked so shocked when I whispered, “LIAR!” into her ear after I watched her type “lol”.

She did NOT lol.

@ComedySpeech

Sharks aren’t the bad guys. If some stranger entered my house in just a Speedo, I would probably attack him too.