If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
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the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs