Keep your friend’s toast, but keep your enemy’s toaster.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
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Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
[after 20 minutes of awkward silence in the sauna]
“This isn’t the bathroom is it”
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.