@DestryBrod

If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?

Taco bail.

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@JT_IV_

Keep your friend’s toast, but keep your enemy’s toaster.

@kendragaylord

[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*

@jazmasta

[after 20 minutes of awkward silence in the sauna]
“This isn’t the bathroom is it”

@stacieooooo

You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Waiter: *sets down check*

Me: my treat

Her: thank you so much

Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what

@Donna_McCoy

I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.

@DaddyJew

*reaches for the stars*

Stars: I have a boyfriend

@sageboggs

Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell

@JediGigi

Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.