If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?

Taco bail.

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Keep your friend’s toast, but keep your enemy’s toaster.


[Whole Foods]
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*


[after 20 minutes of awkward silence in the sauna]
“This isn’t the bathroom is it”


You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.


Waiter: *sets down check*

Me: my treat

Her: thank you so much

Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what


I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.


*reaches for the stars*

Stars: I have a boyfriend


Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell


Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.