If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
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Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know