If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
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How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine鈥檚 Day, you鈥檒l be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
What have you done…馃悎馃惥馃ゴ
Sound On..馃攰馃啓
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was 鈥榓fter all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.