If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
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A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
My teenage children choosing violence
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
📽️movie date🎞️