If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
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Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
#MeanwhileInCanada
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.