If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
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The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs