If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
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No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?