@AmishPornStar1

If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…

It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!

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@kelkulus

The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.

@ibid78

My N’Sync tattoo? I got it to remind me not to make impulsive decisions based on fleeting trends that I’d regret for the rest of my life.

@GeekWithCurls

Guys, I have an announcement to make.

I’ve decided to use the quarantine as an opportunity to rekindle my marriage.

Everyone here knows we are struggling, and this may be the last shot I have at reconnecting.

Hahaha just kidding is Amazon still shipping shovels?

@Thynebear

[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.

@wickedsuga

All the world does is try to tear us apart.

-me to my bed every morning

@Rollinintheseat

*Comments on Facebook picture*

“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”

@mom_ontherocks

Therapist: How does that make you feel?

Me: Like I want to stab someone.

Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.

Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.

@ddsmidt

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.