Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
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ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Asked a girl what I had to do to get her, she said, “GET LOST!”
So I stared…
Realising she wasn’t saying more, I asked, “which season?”
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.