If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
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£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house