“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
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Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT