If your wife asks what would you do without me?

ENJOY MY LIFE is not the correct answer

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I’ve been sucking on this Jolly Rancher for an hour. He was just a rancher when I started.


Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”

Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se


Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché


At this point I only practice good personal hygiene based on how I would want my body to be found


Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan


Pressing elevator buttons with my safety hotdog


Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you

Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know


Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?

Well played men, well played…


[police lineup]

Cop: Do you see the guy who ate your plants?
Me: Nope
Cop: *waving leaf* Wildebeest step forward?
WB: *drooling* Goddamnit