If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
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Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*