If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”

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I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.


Someone at work asked if I’d listened to any good books lately, and now I’ve got a body to dispose of. 🙁


This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.


our teacher used to make us do 100 lines if we’d been naughty. my nose was wrecked at the end of it


Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?

Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.

Men: I think it started in the 90’s.


What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant????


“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus


FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.

ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5


ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?

BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else


My safe word is “keep going.” It’s led to some HILARIOUS miscommunications let me tell you!