@therepoguy

If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”

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@LostFelicia

I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.

@Schmoodles

Someone at work asked if I’d listened to any good books lately, and now I’ve got a body to dispose of. 🙁

@DurtMcHurtt

This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.

@FinnMcIver

our teacher used to make us do 100 lines if we’d been naughty. my nose was wrecked at the end of it

@ericsshadow

Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?

Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.

Men: I think it started in the 90’s.

@shivkumarrx

What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant????
#RT

@birbigs

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus

@QwertyJones3

FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.

ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5

@chuuew

ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?

BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else

@shelbyfero

My safe word is “keep going.” It’s led to some HILARIOUS miscommunications let me tell you!