If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
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Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Perfect
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.