@WhatsHerFace33

If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.

Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse πŸ™

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@jordan_stratton

You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.

@Bunnydurden

Try saying “good luck” without sounding sarcastic. Good luck.

@LostLettermen

In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.

@WilliamAder

Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.

@FeelingEuphoric

Left my fiancΓ© at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly

@ItsAndyRyan

“How come Americans write the month first?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today”
“It’s the fourth of July”

@itsnashflynn

if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners

@Loli_Sug

There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.