Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.
Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
You Might Also Like
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
I’m “friends with beneficiaries” years old.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
my next relationship better be my last because i’m tired of telling guys my favorite color
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.