If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 馃檨
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The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I鈥檓 supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she鈥檚 gone
– was sara even her real name?
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
me, speaking to my daughter鈥檚 class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don鈥檛 have a phone.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
My daughter asked me if I鈥檇 be very upset if she didn鈥檛 live with me when she鈥檚 a grownup so I told her I鈥檇 try my best once I stopped laughing