@WhatsHerFace33

If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.

Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁

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@coolauntV

Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?

Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door

@ericsshadow

Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*

@roxiqt

When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.

@Parkerlawyer

My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.

So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.

@Chumpstring

Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.

@WalkingOutside

I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.

@ThisOneSayz

Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!

HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall

Me: that was unclear

@notIena

my next relationship better be my last because i’m tired of telling guys my favorite color

@Sophie2078

We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.