If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
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Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?