My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
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Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED