If your zodiac sign is asparagus don’t even bother being my friend because I’m a caprisun and we are not compatible

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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?


I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable


Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice


My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food


What we’ve learned from this skittles incident is that we should all stop eating refugees.


Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.


Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …


I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.

After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.