If your zodiac sign is asparagus don’t even bother being my friend because I’m a caprisun and we are not compatible

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dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests

date 5: i don’t think the moon is real


Me: School is closed today.

Son: Huh? You’re my teacher now. Why?

Me: [watching video on how to give your cat a french manicure] Professional development day

Cat:*licks his newly permed tail*


I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.


What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us


Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams


They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.


My wife used to get so fat that she had to go to the hospital; then a person would fall out of her. That doesn’t sound normal.