Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
If your zodiac sign is asparagus don’t even bother being my friend because I’m a caprisun and we are not compatible
You Might Also Like
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale
My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
What we’ve learned from this skittles incident is that we should all stop eating refugees.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
No, YOU’RE a nary tract infection