@CodyLane08

If your zodiac sign is asparagus don’t even bother being my friend because I’m a caprisun and we are not compatible

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@bobvulfov

dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests

date 5: i don’t think the moon is real

@justokpanda

Me: School is closed today.

Son: Huh? You’re my teacher now. Why?

Me: [watching video on how to give your cat a french manicure] Professional development day

Cat:*licks his newly permed tail*

@ObtuseHands

I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.

@dumbbeezie

What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us

@DanMentos

Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams

@seamusmckracken

They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.

@doublewenis

My wife used to get so fat that she had to go to the hospital; then a person would fall out of her. That doesn’t sound normal.