Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
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I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
This raises questions