if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
You Might Also Like
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.