@CalmTomb

If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.

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@tigersgoroooar

just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”

@MarshallMcFar11

Dear autocorrect,

I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.

Quit your shit.

@MikeZakarian

Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.

@suntzufuntzu

Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes

@JLazySAngus

Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”

Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”

@yab_kat

[gets pulled over]
Officer: *through window* Do you know why i pulled you over?
Me: *punches steering wheel* answer the man you criminal car

@EJGomez

angel of God: mary u shall give birth to the son of God himself & he shall be named Jesus & shall die on a cross

mary: i have a boyfriend

@daemonic3

Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?

“I don’t know, how would I know?”

GF: I’m pregnant!

“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”

@DurtMcHurtt

ME: *posing nude for a painter*

GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.

@Ideal_Victoria

Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.

Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*