just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
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I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
[gets pulled over]
Officer: *through window* Do you know why i pulled you over?
Me: *punches steering wheel* answer the man you criminal car
angel of God: mary u shall give birth to the son of God himself & he shall be named Jesus & shall die on a cross
mary: i have a boyfriend
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*