If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
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If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
the #horror is real!
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.