If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
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Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Safety first
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.