@LoveNLunchmeat

If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.

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@StevioSquared

Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.

@HenpeckedHal

The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.

@BeTheCookie

At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?

@Beatonm5

Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves

@isabelzawtun

The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”

@realHamOnWry

What did I learn getting fired today?

Never walk behind your boss, poke his bald spot and yell, “Hey, you’ve got a hole in your haircut”.

@robotmouthfarts

*Takes leash off feral dad*

Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.

*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*

BAD DAD! BAD!

@GoldenSpirals

[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh