If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
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the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.