@seethenare

If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.

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@EndhooS

Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]

Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body

@JediGigi

Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.

@Freudianscript

I just saved a bunch of money on fireworks by telling my wife to calm down.

@DothTheDoth

If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.

@ceejoyner

Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.

@treydayway

I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween

@ninjadinosaur1

It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.

@panmidwest

BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!

[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]