If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.

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Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]

Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body


Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.


I just saved a bunch of money on fireworks by telling my wife to calm down.


If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.


Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.


I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween


It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.


BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!

[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]