If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
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Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Bill is short for Billiam
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish