if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
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asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
I just love that new Pope smell.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.