If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
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My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.