If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.

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My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.


George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”


Yelling “PARKOUR” whenever your toddler falls over is an easy way to make him look like a cool free runner rather than a clumsy little idiot


me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that


Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.

Chicken Widow: BUT WHY

Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.


“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”

*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter


Saw an ad on Craigslist “Radio, $1, volume stuck on high.”

I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”


if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.