If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
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They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]