If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
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Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.