@YourKyness

If you’re a sex worker, and you don’t end all of your client interactions with “it was a business doing pleasure with you”, I think you’re wasting an opportunity.

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@TheAlexNevil

An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.

@PleaseBeGneiss

DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?

ME: that’s literally all I drink

@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: what’s this fee?

Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.

Me: ok

Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that

Me: do you know how money works?

@robfromonline

me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active

doctor: i don’t really need to

me: wait why

doctor:

me:

doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t

@xLiserx

I made love to a beautiful hipster for nearly 10 minutes before realizing he was just a pile of scarves and coats in the Salvation Army bin.

@gman_kam

If by fitness you mean I eat healthy & exercise regularly, then yes, I am not fit.

@pizzaguyjay

How do you know you’re allergic to cats if you don’t even eat them?