@YourKyness

If you’re a sex worker, and you don’t end all of your client interactions with “it was a business doing pleasure with you”, I think you’re wasting an opportunity.

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@Book_Krazy

Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!

ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.

HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!

ME: That’s fine

@Brianhopecomedy

Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.

@RunOldMan

I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.

@robfee

Being a DJ is tough because sometimes iTunes won’t open.

@andlikelaura

me: hey cat what are you up to

cat: ???? ????????

me: what

cat: meow

@mattsurely

Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.

@peteholmes

“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods

@ieatanddrink

Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle