If you’re a sex worker, and you don’t end all of your client interactions with “it was a business doing pleasure with you”, I think you’re wasting an opportunity.

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An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.


DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?

ME: that’s literally all I drink


Me: what’s this fee?

Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.

Me: ok

Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that

Me: do you know how money works?


me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active

doctor: i don’t really need to

me: wait why



doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t


I made love to a beautiful hipster for nearly 10 minutes before realizing he was just a pile of scarves and coats in the Salvation Army bin.


If by fitness you mean I eat healthy & exercise regularly, then yes, I am not fit.


How do you know you’re allergic to cats if you don’t even eat them?