@MoistPork

If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?

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@SickChristine

Someone told me I should start my day with ‘I get to’ instead of ‘I have to’ and now I get to hate that person with the intensity of a thousand suns.

@causticbob

Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?

If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.

@Coolisiana

(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*

@singwithTaffy

(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein

@JDBooie

Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.

@LlamaInaTux

Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph

@sonictyrant

Police Chief: this whole place is a cesspool of drugs, booze and sex . I wanna know why damn it

Me: *remembering that i’d built this city on Rock&Roll* it’s a mystery alright

@Elizabazinga

[House Hunters episode]

HUSBAND: I’m a Dorito artist

WIFE: And I restore used napkins part time

HUSBAND: And our budget is 1.2mil

@bobvulfov

hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??

@jellybnbonanza

I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!