If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
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[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist