If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
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I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.