*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
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A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
I have a type: disappointing
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”