If you’re able to read this, thank a teacher! If you can do busy work while wasted and watch an unrelated video, thank a substitute teacher!

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[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body


I do a spot-on impression of a man in his 30’s not living up to his full potential.


me: i feel anxious

body: here I make u sweat it will calm u down

me: i feel much worse

body: ok ok I make u throw up u relax now


In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.


Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.


(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*


[my kids walk in on me being murdered]

ME: call 911

KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?


Runner: Whatโ€™s your fastest race?

Me: Taking the trash out at night


If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.


Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers

Doctor: You mean selfish?

[30 crabs come out of my pants]

Doctor: Haha here’s some cream