Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
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How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
I bet
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.