@Phook75

If you’re able to read this, thank a teacher! If you can do busy work while wasted and watch an unrelated video, thank a substitute teacher!

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@flashember

[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body

@JermHimselfish

I do a spot-on impression of a man in his 30’s not living up to his full potential.

@parsfarce

me: i feel anxious

body: here I make u sweat it will calm u down

me: i feel much worse

body: ok ok I make u throw up u relax now

@meaculpau27

In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.

@WeissBrandon

Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.

@TheTimmyToes

(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes

@ValeeGrrl

[my kids walk in on me being murdered]

ME: call 911

KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?

@adamgreattweet

Runner: Whatโ€™s your fastest race?

Me: Taking the trash out at night

@JoshuaHvr

If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers

Doctor: You mean selfish?

[30 crabs come out of my pants]

Doctor: Haha here’s some cream