If you’re able to read this, thank a teacher! If you can do busy work while wasted and watch an unrelated video, thank a substitute teacher!

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If I’d know I only had 4 decent tweets in me when I started, I’d have spread them out a little more.


I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.


Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…

Me: Black bread.

Chef: We don’t have that.

Me: Racist.


Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge

Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle


them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear

alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo

*distant roar*

alexander hamilton: wait.


I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice


Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.


Welcome to 40. You keep a pair of tweezers in the car now because goddamn that visor mirror is good.


Surely these children should be in bed by now?

– me, anytime after 4pm