Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
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“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?